I began my alternative parenting journey in 2010. It was exciting, complicated and at times scary. We stumbled along and have done a good job raising two wonderful children. Well except for the trauma, depression, and impending divorce!
And that is how my story starts. I am a queer women, mother, partner, employee, writer and speaker. I use my experience to educate on the rights, barriers and joys to LGBTQ+ parenting and the importance of bringing our voice to the table to bring about meaningful societal change.
Why that voice matters
From the 2021 census across England and Wales there are around 1.8 million identifying as LGBTQIA. The LGBTQIA community are raising the next generation and there is a lack of financial, societal and emotional support to help this diverse community to navigate their unique and often complex journey.
Why your postcode and personal wealth can matter
Since 2013 NICE guidelines were issued that state a same sex couple or single women could become eligible for three rounds of fertility treatment if they are not able to get pregnant after twelve cycles of artificial insemination, with at least six of the cycles of intrauterine insemination.
These guidelines are a step in the right direction, but the process is time consuming and costs thousands. Access is also dependent on the postcode you live within. Many areas don’t follow the guidelines and may not fund for reasons of age, weight, use of donor and other funding priorities.
My body clock was ticking so at a private clinic we escalated through costly fertility, invasive treatment options and finally via IVF we were successful. I do not take our financial privilege lightly. We could just about self-fund the fertility treatment but creating a rainbow family should not be reliant on wealth. The fertility postcode lottery should and can also change if there is a consistent adoption of the guidelines nationally. We know more needs and can happen.
Societal progress but far from perfection
However progressive we are, or think we are, in the UK there are societal barriers to LGBTQ+ parenting. There are polarising opinions on whether the community has the right to have children and unfortunately the heteronormative healthcare systems, parental support structure, workplace policies and community ideology perpetuate these beliefs.
The question is how on earth do we break down the societal barriers? Sledgehammer anyone? Within my relatively small sphere of influence, there are smalls thing I do; I write, I speak, I share my experience and the experience of others to highlight the gaps, the barriers and the outdated policies.
When the intimate and inappropriate questions are asked regarding how I fell pregnant, who the donor is, and concerns over lack of male role models, I divulge what feels comfortable and know when to kindly stop the conversation. But whether it is in the workplace canteen or on a stage, if someone is respectfully curious and wants to learn then it’s worth every minute of my time.
Surely parenting is the same for everyone?
Regardless of gender or sexuality, parenting can be the most joyful, privileged, exhausting and challenging life change. When adding a layer of complexities navigating donor conception, surrogacy, adoption, fostering, egg sharing, blending and any potential combination, parenting can get a little messy and confusing over time.
Without any LGBTQ role models I wasn’t aware of the potential pitfalls. I struggled in those early years. Overcompensating for my partners lack of biological connection, sharing too much of my perceived maternal role and justifying my place in the family. I know I am not alone and more can happen to support LGBTQ parents through the process.
Progress through challenging inequity
Progress has been made but the inequity still exists across all aspects of LGBTQIA parenting.
My ask is to the decision makers across government, healthcare, the workplace, education; give the LGBTQIA community a seat at the table to hear our experiences. History shows this works. Let us help build the solutions and raise awareness so LGBTQIA parents and our children are supported, valued, embraced and celebrated for their diversity.
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